Who is Responsible?

When bad things happen.  When something hurts.  When someone dies.  When someone leaves.  When someone betrays.  When everything and everyone is gone.  When there are no answers.  When the silence is deafening, crippling.  When you feel pain, sorrow, despair and alone.

This is the journey i am on.  This is my past and this is my present.  These are questions I have asked.  Some I still am.  So what have I learned?

There’s something about human nature.  It can be seen all throughout history, mine, yours and can be traced back to the beginning of all things.  The flippant throwing of blame.  Whether it’s our mistake or something happens to us, we love to blame – people, the devil, God, and especially ourselves.  The perfect picture of all of these things can be seen in one event – the crucifixion.  Yes, Judas betrayed him, one of Jesus’ closest friends.  And the devil obviously had a hand in the events leading to and during the crucifixion.  But, when it comes down to it, the only one responsible is the Father.

Sure, Jesus was in on it.  He said yes to the Father’s plan.  How does this apply to me?  God is all and completely about our death.  He even calls it precious to him.  This not only applies to our physical death but our death to our sin natures as well.  When we said yes to God, it wasn’t a yes to a life including him or even about him.  It was a yes to His life, which can only be accomplished through our own death, our own crucifixion.  So when I look at my life, my pain after I said yes, the one responsible is the Father.  He didn’t merely allow these occurences, He is the Divine Orchestrator behind every small detail surrounding them.  This statement itself is enough to enrage many, and to be honest still offends me.  I don’t know what to think of it.

He wants our death and will stop at nothing to get it.  Some of the life events we go through to get there are unbelievable.  Death of a loved one, betrayel, trauma, and the list goes on.  We all have our stories of heartache, and the thought that the orchestrater of that immense pain is God is incredibly hard to take in.  I’m not sure i’ve yet to do it.  How do i forgive God?  Where do i go from here?  I’m still searching for that myself.  But i think i’ve taken the 1st step, which i believe to be accepting God’s role in my pain.  The next step, who knows….

 

Let’s try this again

i’ve taken quite a hiatus from writing.  I’ve decided to give it another go.  I don’t know who all reads these things:  the random rantings of someone they may or may not know.  Maybe some of my friends will read it along with a random blogites, or perhaps it will go unread and unnoticed.  Either way, the reason i’ve decided to restart this thing is not for the eyes of the few or the many.  I’m not writing in the hopes that some passerby may come across something and be touched.  I’m writing to express the inner-going’s on in my heart that i, myself may better understand what the heck is going on.  But please feel free to leave any comment/advice/criticism as it will always be welcome.  And away we go…

 

Hello Sun!!

Well, i’ve switched to days. I’ve been on the nightwatch for over a year now and i’m going to miss it. But i know that i need to do this for my own heart’s sake. It has been an incredibly rough month and i needed to do something to keep my heart alive and engaged. So i decided to take a chance and switch to days. Right when i made the choice something shifted in my heart and it has been very refreshing. Not sure if this will be temporary or permanent.

I’m still trying to figure out what my schedule is going to look like. I’m also still looking for a team to be a part of. We’ll see. I must say it has been amazing to be out in the sun again though. This week has been absolutely beautiful too. I didn’t know how much i was actually sacrificing by being on the nightwatch. Anyways, 3 cheers for sleeping in the dark and seeing the sun!

 

Just some thoughts…

If you’re like me, you like to internalize everything but every once in a while you have to let things out by talking, writing, running, screaming, something to make things seem less crazy. this is one of those times.

It was ten years this past June since I became a christian. I saw Christ for the first time and said I would live the rest of my life for Him. He said He’d give me everything: His Kingdom, eternal life, intimacy with Him. It sounded too good to be true. Little did I know that when He asked for everything of me that He really meant it.

 

Going to Ohio

well…taking another trip to ohio for my pop’s birthday. it’s been good to get away recently. i have definitely needed it. there’s something refreshing about leaving the normalcy of everyday life and its routine. i’m going to see family that i haven’t seen in probably 8 years or so. but i will still be keeping a nightwatch schedule which means tons of alone time with the Lord each night. honestly that’s what i’m most excited about. when you’re in a long barren season like i’m in, i think the best thing is shutting oneself in a closet and embracing the wilderness. it’s the only thing keeping me going so far.

 

My Grace is Sufficient…

Weakness. No one wants it. Everybody has it. We despise it, loathe it and want to disassociate ourselves with it as much as possible. We push weakness away because it forces us to see ourselves for what we really are. We want to feel confident, look strong, and most of all to actually believe that we are in control. Reality, on the other hand, is a different story.

 

The Cross

The greatest mystery of all time, it baffles the sharpest minds and unfolds before the simple. I know that we will forever be gazing into the extravagance of this gift, longing for revelation of what actually took place, but something recently has taken hold of my heart concerning the cross. There is such humility, such meekness displayed in it. There is a trust that is foreign to me. Just as Abraham had to trust and believe that God would raise Isaac from the dead, so too does Jesus have to trust and believe that the Father will do the same. At first glance, we’re like, “sure, of course He’s gonna raise Him from the dead,” but to be in that position would be entirely different.

 

How low can you go?

I must say that of the many men of God that have walked in these recent times, Andrew Murray is one of my all-time favorites. Near the end of the 19th century, the South African preacher wrote his book Humility. Though a small book, Murray has much to say regarding the issue. He describes humility as the “nobility of the kingdom of heaven,” and that it’s pursuit is the path to the higher life. It is the lowest path, the path to the gladness and glory of Christ’s presence in us. Yet again he states that, “the root of all virtue and grace, of all faith and acceptable worship, is that we know that we have nothing but what we receive, and bow in deepest humility to wait upon God for it.”

 

Eternal Weight of Glory

“Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison” (2 Cor 4:16-7).

I have had a migraine for 2 1/2 weeks now. needless to say, it has been a constant battle. how do you pursue the Lord when you can’t read, can’t focus, can’t do anything but lay down on a couch feeling weak, broken and helpless?

Some things that are being written on my heart: He knows my frame; He hears my cries; He IS the healer. one of the biggest struggles for me has been to not lose heart. when my faith is put to the test…will i still believe? will i still trust? But i guess faith doesn’t become real unless it is tested, right?

 

The Great Crisis

just moved my blog to wordpress. this was my last post there.

The “Llandrindod Experience” of Rees Howells:

“Like Isaiah, I saw the holiness of God, and seeing Him, I saw my own corrupt nature. It wasn’t sins that I saw, but nature touched by the Fall. I was corrupt to the core. I knew I had to be cleansed; I saw there was as much difference between the Holy Ghost and myself as between light and darkness. The Holy Spirit went on dealing with me, exposing the root of my nature which was self, and you can only get out of a thing what is in its root. Sin was canceled, and it wasn’t sin He was dealing with; it was self — that thing which came from the Fall.”

I find myself in a predicament similar to that of Mr. Howells. Though i haven’t had the same lofty experience that He has had, I am faced with a similar crisis, which is exactly the word he uses to describe his experience.